Loyal Followers,
Sorry for my absence. There have been some... new developments.
As part of step two in my master plan, I need an adorable little girl with a warm heart and a cherubic, guileless smile. I found just such a girl quite easily in SUSIE SUNBUTTER. She was perfect.
And she was in my Little Girl Cage, ready to be taken into the Little Girl Section of my dungeon, when her normally overly ambitious and slightly neglectful father decided to, I don't know, turn over a new leaf or something. He came home on time for the first time ever with some little bunny or something to give to Susie.
And he saw me there, and hit the Save Me Captain Hero Alarm Button that I guess somehow he has, and so of course that unbearable douche drip shows up before I can kill anyone, and stands between me and my quarry (which now includes the good Scientist).
Okay, no biggie, right? I've got the soul separating ray gun with attached storage compartment at my fingertips. Nobody is invincible to it. I don't LIKE to kill, per se, but an evilly deformed villain has to have priorities.
So I fire it and guess who dies?
Captain Hero! Sweet!
and guess how many souls I have inside of my gun?
NO SOULS AT ALL.
That's right. Not even one soul.
The soul of Captain Hero would have made it so that I could completely forget about having to take the KillDozer to that orphanage in Yonkers.
The soul of Captain Hero was the next part of my plan and his soul is the ONLY SOUL THAT WILL WORK INSIDE OF MY CAPTAIN HERO SOUL OPERATED WORLD CONQUERING MACHINE.
So, anyway.
I called tech support, and I was like "where's my soul, dude?" And they sent our Yakhim to check out what was wrong with my soul separating ray gun with attached storage compartment, and Yakhim goes "it works just fine". So I killed him, and guess what? He was right! When I checked the jar, there was his soul.
So anyway, I fed the soul to my Lair Beast and now I'm just trying to figure out where Captain Hero's soul went. Because seriously, guys, I need that soul.
So if you see it, just - I don't know, post a comment or something, okay?
Thanks.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
29 August 2009
26 August 2009
Loyal Followers,
I knew it!
I knew that I wouldn't be foiled this time. I have the particle.
Yes, you did read that correctly. I have the particle - and not only that, but I have the golden claw that I was planning on! I took a mold of my claw and covered it with a thin coating of gold and now I have a GOLD CLAW-GLOVE. How awesome is that?
Very awesome is correct, clawdads.
This claw-glove is not purely for purposes of wearing to the club, though - oh no. I am now the only person on the planet who can pick up and throw the only known particle of red no. 65.
If you're reading this, Grumbles, you had best watch out.
I need an audio recording of my villain-laugh to post right after statements like that.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
I knew it!
I knew that I wouldn't be foiled this time. I have the particle.
Yes, you did read that correctly. I have the particle - and not only that, but I have the golden claw that I was planning on! I took a mold of my claw and covered it with a thin coating of gold and now I have a GOLD CLAW-GLOVE. How awesome is that?
Very awesome is correct, clawdads.
This claw-glove is not purely for purposes of wearing to the club, though - oh no. I am now the only person on the planet who can pick up and throw the only known particle of red no. 65.
If you're reading this, Grumbles, you had best watch out.
I need an audio recording of my villain-laugh to post right after statements like that.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
25 August 2009
Step One in World Conquering Plot #16
Loyal Followers,
Big plans are afoot, Clawdads!
I know I said that I wouldn't share any plots with you, but this one is so genious and flawless and perfect that there is no comprehensible way for this post to lead to my defeat.
Here it is: In the undisclosed location where I lay my unfoilable plot, there is a man by the name of "Paul". He owns the only known particle of Red No. 65 - not a dye like it's brothers; rather, a highly unstable type of red antimatter that must be suspended in molten gold at all times.
I am going to sneak into Paul's house tonight and take it.
HOW will I accomplish this, you ask?
Diagram to come.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
Big plans are afoot, Clawdads!
I know I said that I wouldn't share any plots with you, but this one is so genious and flawless and perfect that there is no comprehensible way for this post to lead to my defeat.
Here it is: In the undisclosed location where I lay my unfoilable plot, there is a man by the name of "Paul". He owns the only known particle of Red No. 65 - not a dye like it's brothers; rather, a highly unstable type of red antimatter that must be suspended in molten gold at all times.
I am going to sneak into Paul's house tonight and take it.
HOW will I accomplish this, you ask?
Diagram to come.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
12 August 2009
The Claw Returns!
Loyal followers,
I know you all must be shocked to hear from me. Some of you didn't think I could break out of that dank cell they were keeping me in - and it's true, the rubber band around my claw was a roadblock for some time there.
And yet behold! It is I, The Claw, returned from my internment in the middle of the desert!
How did I do it?
Simple, Clawdads. The brisk cold of the mornings, followed by the horrific heat of the afternoons, made my only obstacle brittle and weak. Soon I was able to snap it off - and then? Oh, the mayhem ensued.
I can only thank Poseidon that they didn't think to use packing tape. I would have been ruined, I tell you! At least, until my next molt.
Since it was my admittedly foolish lack of discretion on my last blog that led to my capture last June, I will have to remain vague on a few things this time around; no more blogging about my exact location; no more video monologues with my brilliantly detailed charts laid out for your viewing pleasure.
But never fear, Clawdads! I will not leave you bewildered and alone for long. I have a big plan in the works. My think tank is being filtered as we speak, and dastardly deeds are afoot.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
I know you all must be shocked to hear from me. Some of you didn't think I could break out of that dank cell they were keeping me in - and it's true, the rubber band around my claw was a roadblock for some time there.
And yet behold! It is I, The Claw, returned from my internment in the middle of the desert!
How did I do it?
Simple, Clawdads. The brisk cold of the mornings, followed by the horrific heat of the afternoons, made my only obstacle brittle and weak. Soon I was able to snap it off - and then? Oh, the mayhem ensued.
I can only thank Poseidon that they didn't think to use packing tape. I would have been ruined, I tell you! At least, until my next molt.
Since it was my admittedly foolish lack of discretion on my last blog that led to my capture last June, I will have to remain vague on a few things this time around; no more blogging about my exact location; no more video monologues with my brilliantly detailed charts laid out for your viewing pleasure.
But never fear, Clawdads! I will not leave you bewildered and alone for long. I have a big plan in the works. My think tank is being filtered as we speak, and dastardly deeds are afoot.
Clip, Snip, Conquer,
The Claw
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